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Arts & Sciences - An Extraordinary Beast

An Extraordinary Beast
By Lord Vodnikov

What Thou Will Need

  • A Strong heart and stomach for afear of the beast
  • 2 severed legs of an evil chicken
  • And then 2 more legs from another such bird for each pound of evil cow thee uses for this sinister task
  • Wings cut from also such a monstrous bird of the number of the legs you took this dark day
  • A piece of such a cow as would make the Angels weep for its deeds being black, and its milk would have make babes to be bad. Yes a piece of evil cow the size you will need to make the Cockatrice the size thou wilt need to feed thee horde
  • Butchers thread and a needle of malice capable of the thread
  • Dough for the making of the afeared head and other parts
  • An egg or even 2 as the day may go
  • Salt, for it will keep the beast at bay I hopeth
  • Pepper to be pounded and crushed for to make the beast to be swallowed with less fight
  • Some flour. You will know why soon enough
  • The holy number of saffron threads, that being 3
  • Parsley for to paint with. Ask no questions yet
  • A brush for to paint with
  • A mouthful of white wine, and one more to drink to for courage
  • An onion to be cut in a certain way that you will learn when the time comes
  • A roasting pan big enough to hold such a beast as twice the size of the black cow you have

The Making Of The Beast

The Head And Tail Of It All

Take whatever kind of dough you want and divide into 4 shapeless evil lumps. The amount of dough and the size of each piece will depend on both the size of Cockatrice you are making, and how large and bizarre you feel the parts need to be. You will need to make a head, sort of a cross between a chicken and a dragon looks good, a tail, again the dragon theme would work nicely, and a set of ridges for down the back, (the length of the roast). You will also need to make a clawed foot for each leg. After these are made you will paint them with a mixture a beaten egg, the saffron and some flower. When you bake the bread it will give it a wonderful colour.

The Evil Cow Parts

Season the roast with the pepper and salt. Cut the onion into 8, (one cut along its equator, and two down its longitudinal lines), so when the layers are removed they form rough triangles. In a bowl mix the parsley with a cup of white wine until the liquid takes on the colour, (you may add a few drops of food colouring if you want). Add the onion scales to the green wine and let soak. Make cuts in the sides of the roast and tuck the long ends of the scales into the roast so the pointy ends are down. Continue this, starting at the bottom until both sides are armored. Cook the roast in a covered pan according to the weight of the roast, but baste twice as often.

The Evil Chicken Parts

Salt and pepper the legs and wings and cook uncovered. Try and cook the wigs in an outstretched position. (This can be done by tying to chopsticks or skewers.) (4500f or 2300c for 40 minutes.)

Building The Beastie

Place the body, (roast), on a small wooden block ¾ the height of the legs. Carefully stitch the legs to the body as well as the wings to the back/sides. Next you will place the ridge on the back to cover your work, both the top row of scales and the wing stitching. Now you will place the tail to the rump of the body, this may require a stitch or two too. And finally it is time to crown your monster so to speak, by attaching the head. The green wine can be mixed with flour to make a paste and the scales brightened if required.

If you wish to serve it hot, partly cook the roast, then add the chicken and finish cooking. The bread parts are always pre cooked and attached after.

You now have a beast worthy of center table. (This is when you take pictures before it is ravished.)

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